You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
