I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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