My sheets look like a crime scene.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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