??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
