Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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