Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's Friday. Sex?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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