Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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