Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
