If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
