I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
