Have you finally orgasmed yet?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
