Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
