apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
