My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
