Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
