My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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