if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
