and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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