I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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