Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
