why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
