I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
