I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
