so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
