so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
