There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
