You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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