so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
