I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
