I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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