tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
