If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
