I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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