he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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