Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.