Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?