I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize