I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
