Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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