just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
