My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
