I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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