My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
