i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
