I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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