dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
