there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
