Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
