Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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