Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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