i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
