He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
