i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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