The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
