shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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