getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
