Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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