I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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