I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
