Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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